In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Lmao
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Are we there yet?…
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.