There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.