I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
O Wise One….
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there