Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Your honor these allegations are
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot