Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up