After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
(more comics:
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture