You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
😂💯
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I like crazy people until they notice me
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly