*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.