[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
same bro
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
it is time once again
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.