Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.