*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day