*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
okay run it by me one more time