*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I falcon love using swear birds
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: