Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep