you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
notice
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]