me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I put the p in pants.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Mornin. * use accordingly
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.