*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.