Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m sure it’s fine.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?