Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me too
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.