The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.