[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching