This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
You Might Also Like
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.