Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days