Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
dam girl
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.