[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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This will teach them to underestimate me
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
mathematically impossible
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them