If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face