I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment