Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?