They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”