A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
🌱🌱🌱
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.