Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Breaking news:
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago