“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I don’t think my car can fly