Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours