What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?