Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.