Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m literally crying
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.