Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.