Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
wtf is an acronym
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
happy valentine’s day to me
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously