Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”