I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.