I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem