Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Just why bro?!
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Not today.. 😂
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud