I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.