Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]