Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You Might Also Like
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.