[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
accurate
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.