Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
You Might Also Like
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.