“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Do one person every day that scares you.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*