My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
The first matador
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
One of the best
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.