Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.